Friday, November 20, 2009

Excerpt: 11/19/09 (sketchsteph)

"Jackie called us brave...with the idea that there is a certain bravery in an autobiographical piece. We know we have to talk about what we do and we don't want to necessarily, but the art that comes as the end result means enough that what we think about it just doesn't matter. At least not in that way.
Painting 4 will be a continuum of the absence of, coupled with "what comes from" things gone. Sort of like when a ship sinks and something new comes from it...or when something dies in nature and something new and living inhabits its space or its dead body.
I will be using natural fluids in this painting. I had a difficult choice to make between whether I would use a chemical or a natural fluid. The reasoning behind my choice of the natural is that almost everything about my triptych revolves around human nature in some way. The nature of desiring, bearing, raising children. The nature of societal confusion, the nature of feeling devoid or being devoid of something that others have (ie-emotion, parent instinct, anything...). Outside of the concept, the process stems from nature as well. I test the nature of water on water against gravity. The nature of the fast-drying acrylic versus water that will not easily evaporate into the canvas. My "hand" plays only a small part in the painting. I apply the paint and the water and allow it to live, naturally. I am involved with these paintings. Anytime we are physically involved with someone, the other party should have an equal say on the extent of the physical interactions. I allow my paintings these choices to the same degree which they allow me. I do not want to be in complete control. If I don't have to why should I?

On my original idea of Choice for this triptych...just now I am conciously considering ways to make choice a relevant idea in my life. Not necessarily revolving around pro/anti-choice but around being a young woman getting by in an ever-changing but still largely patriarchal society.
So, this triptych may also be considered a serious look at my exercising of CHOICE. Viewed in this way, it is interesting to note my ongoing discomfort at having to discuss the concept behind these particular works. I have made my choice, but is my lack of eloquence in speaking about it a reflection on my inability to stand by that choice? I don't feel fear of my choice, but something else is happening internally that keeps me unable to be very open about what I am working on.
I am hiding from something.
A large part of it may be my fear or frustration at having to try convincing an audience of something so obvious and important to me. I don't necessarily care that it is rejected.

!!!!!!!!!!!No, I DO NOT care that it is rejected-
MY ISSUE-FINALLY- is that I have an ENORMOUS fear of failing my piece. I don't want to fuck it up. I love it and I can't let it down.
The painting is more than capable of standing on its own. It is what it is, it says what needs to be said. It does these things perfectly so I won't have to.
Maybe I paint because I want something that can take care of me & my paintings have been pretty good at that so far. They aren't going anywhere & there are more to come to keep me afloat. The absolute best part of this is that these paintings are all an extension of myself. In a round-about fucked up way, I've got it all taken care of. I'm using tools to do it, but I'm still doing it. It's still just me looking out for me.

*applause* if you've read this entire post.


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